This is how I lost 3 years of my life I’ll never get back.

2013 - 2014

So in 2008, I made the mistake of flying out to Los Angeles, CA. That’s how I came in 2 degrees contact with GERARD BUTLER.

That’s the last thing I take the blame for. I should have kept my happy ass in Colorado (both times). Anyway, about 5 years later, a faux Facebook account with a celebrity’s face that I recognized as Gerard Butler (cleverly named Dean Green, all inspector gadget style) messaged me back on a Conan O’Brian facebook community page.

Cause I was born with the largest big mouth to ever walk these southern shores, I made smart funny REE TORT on the page, cause little mama’s just so funny, and this account responded back to me.

And despite all red flags (saddle up partner, there are millions of red flags in this story) I corresponded with said person who typed amazing American Standard English and not the British English. RED FLAG #2.

After 4 weeks, we both got bored and moved on. I thought “oh well, he didn’t fall in love with me, guess I’ll continue my lowly South Georgia existence.”

Chyeah.

That February, my yahoo accountsssss were hacked and I knew it had to be…. You have no idea the names I called myself from doing something so stupid as talking to what was clearly a fake account.

So me, done with short commediene career, decided to start my own detective agency and find the idiots behind this. I assumed it was just a random idiot trying to scam me for money. Well, I came across an even more idiotic web page called Just Jared where some hidden figures “discus” gossip about celebs.

-_- (It gets even more stupid)

I started talking to these people who’s ring leader is someone you’d all be shocked to know. You’ll find out later. This nutjob lived on this account with different accounts who’s sole purpose is to stalk and harass fans or get a cheap lay (Remember this for later). Once he starts, he can’t stop.

I started talking to these people and then began to receive emails from Russians and Hispanics. (Red effing more flags, 15,000 of them) One of which included a marriage proposal to a Tatar mongrel + Jew. Yep, he described himself this way. (I feel you guys are figuring this out before I can let you know the truth)

Well, my new pin pal who knew all celebrities and sent me ‘fotos’ of them, just couldn’t get lost. (I was drowning in a sea of red flags by this time) When I mentioned another celeb, he’d go on a tirade and mildly threaten them. I DID NOT KNOW ANY OF THEM.

Anytime this dude thought I was talking to someone, he’d go after the guy. He said, “They were his slaves.”

Enter Madalina Ghenea. And Morgan Brown. Trolls for this idiot. Why anyone would agree to do this, I have no clue. They emailed me too. For some weird reason, Gerry’s movies would fail or fall through.

….WHICH led Michael Fassbender who was bouncing between relationships disasters himself. Since I seem to love jumping on bad bandwagon ideas, I was eventually roped in…but that’s 2015. Let’s stay here for a while.

Morgan begins dating Gerry, they sign something and starting “Dating”. I’m all warm fuzzies. Trolls begin to swoop In and make strange online propositions and/or death threats conducive to their level of intoxication.

Jealous people start digging into my life, find my resume, and begin to make the startling recognition that Pam Swain is truly the most boring person in the world.

(Michael and Gerry chuck Maddog Ghenea. Michael begins to date Swedish gal named Alicia. I have no clue who the friggin heck she is, but save this for LATER.)

By the end of 2014, still never met these people and wouldn’t if I could.